I don't have the capacity to write many coherent sentences when I'm this tired.
I did not fall asleep quickly last night even though I took two of the Circadin an hour before bedtime. I woke up at 2:30am. I did not get back to sleep. I am beyond exhausted.
I am grumpy. I am snappy. Any 'floatiness' that I should be feeling from Day 3's dose of Elvanse is currently drowned out by the tiredness. This sucks. I am persevering because it might settle after a few days.
In the early hours of the morning, from within the rather full bucket of worries I have, I was particularly worrying about:
My middle son ( henceforth known as 'Middly') being desperately unhappy at his (also recently joined and semi-specialist rather than mainstream) school. He hates school. He has always hated school. He would admit that this school is marginally less hateful than his two previous schools but he is miserable and that is heartbreaking. I am meeting with the school tomorrow morning to discuss this so I'll save details of that for future posts.
My eldest son (who will henceforth be known as 'Big') who has recently started a new school after (without putting too finer point on it) the previous school launched a metaphorical nuclear war against him, me and my husband for daring to highlight their poor safeguarding attitudes and practices and the consequential mental health struggles that were manifesting in our otherwise happy, cheerful, successful, friendly, talented 11 year old. (That's more than one post and probably any posts about that need running past our solicitor first in case I turn out to be a less anonymous blogger than I think I am). I nickname this whole sorry affair 'the neurodisaster' because despite Big being assumed neurotypical, many of the key people involved in what happened are not neurotypical (diagnosed, undiagnosded, undisclosed, suspected, ignored or just in denial) and the combination of them (and I include myself in 'them') and the way we all reacted/contributed to the situation can only be accurately titled 'the neurodisaster'.
I now can't unhear from a friend at Middly's school that there are potentially some issues that need addressing there too. Private schools should be regulated to the same standards as state schools for safeguarding. Safeguarding is not meant to be the independent part of an independent school - it should be universal. Being safe and well cared for in school should be compulsory and equally prioritised and implemented in all schools regardless of their type or who pays for them. All children deserve the same minimum safeguarding standards in whatever educational setting they attend. OFSTED not the ISI should be inspecting private schools to regulate and ensure proper safeguarding practices. I sort of want to put my hands over my ears and shout 'LA, LA, LA, not again', but like all issues that surface in schools - where the wellbeing and safety of children are involved - I can't unhear and now I'm worried about that unexploded nuclear minefield and praying that because the people in charge at Middly's school are quite clearly exponentially nicer, better more upstanding people than at Big's old school... perhaps this minefield will have helpful safety barriers and signposts that allow me and my friend to walk through it unscathed and even such that the mines can be safely deactivated as a result of our little wander... I think that metaphor's gone far enough.
I really worry about this friend (she's the same one I mentioned yesterday who has ADHD herself) because I know how hard it is when you raise something that others prickle at hearing and get shot down for it. Nobody ever said that doing the right thing was easy. It's also really easy to dismiss someone with ADHD as neurotic, sensationalist, bumbling, unstructured, over-chatty, irritating - to judge their presentation not what they are actually saying. My friend is, in fact, an absolute trail-blazer. She has two incredibly important, difficult, intelligent, essential, public-serving jobs that most people are just not clever enough or brave enough to do or to do well and she's an outstanding mum, wife and friend. She doesn't look like someone who does those important and clever jobs and it would be easy to misjudge her because she is so scatty and chatty and intense. But misjudge her at your peril because she is spectacular and she is a good person with good intentions and a fierce appetite to help and improve things.
So that's my list of today's prevalent worries.
The other list I have in my head today is all of the topics I know I already want to cover on different days via this blog (some over multiple posts as they are meaty). There are lots. I want to try to be ordered about it as I LOVE order and I HAVE to have order in order to function effectively. It is one of my ADHD coping mechanisms. I think I have to be so tidy and organised because it helps to counterbalance the chaos in my mind. I didn't know my mind was chaotic (I've never visited anyone else's mind to compare) until I started to suspect I had ADHD and read a lot about how ADHD minds apparently differ from neurotypical ones. This Elvanse is apparently simulating a more neurotypical mind. I can see why non-ADHD people are calmer and perhaps not so reliant on order and tidiness and lists as I am.
I have relied on lists my whole life. I LOVE a list. I LOVE ticking things off that I have done, however small, and having a silent moment listening to what I call my 'inner mariachi' to congratulate myself on my efficient achievement. Getting anything done seems like a massive achievement to me - it always has and it's addictive. I like the feeling of getting something done, so I want to get more things done, and then I want to do them faster and... then... well... it gets chaotic.
One's 'inner mariachi' is a miniature group of singers in glorious technicolour Mexican hats with guitars and trumpets who live inside you and sing spectacularly cheerful mariachi songs. They are a bit like those emotion characters in the Disney Inside Out movies but these guys just play songs to celebrate your greatness rather than represent the different ways you feel. The best mariachi songs for the 'inner mariachi' are covers of well known pop songs like 'Just the Way You Are' (Bruno Mars) or 'I am the One and Only' (Chesney Hawkes). Listen to some mariachi covers of similarly self-esteem boosting songs - you can't fail to smile.
So, my list of topics to blog about in the future currently includes:
Middly's journey to diagnosis
My preconceptions and incorrect prejudices about neurodiversity before I loved someone who was neurodiverse (Middly)
My late father's probable neurodiversity
My realisation that I am neurodiverse and journey to diagnosis
Looking back on the bits of my life caused by ADHD now I know I have it
My son's struggles as a square peg in a round hole (replace 'round hole' with 'any and every school in England')
The magic of Middly
Why my neurodiversity is the driving force for most of my achievements
Big problems and mistakes I have made that my ADHD contributed to
The pros and cons of neurodiversity for Middly - in his own words
The disaster that is trying to get an EHCP and, in fact, any significant help for Middly in England
What is hard for my family about living with and loving me and Middly
Prejudices I have encountered both before and since I realised I had ADHD
The 'Neurodisaster'
What I wish I could facilitate in this world for neurodiverse people
The costs of getting diagnosed (financial and other) because the NHS takes too long
ADHD and eating disorders
ADHD and hormonal mood swings
ADHD and alcohol
ADHD and relationships - personal and professional
ADHD and IQ
ADHD, family structure and upbringing
Why I don't read books very often and why that's good and bad
Trying to be a published author with ADHD
I could now write a list of reasons why I need to finish this post but, as is not unusual for me, I am now late for where I'm supposed to be next. Shame the Elvanse hasn't fixed that.
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